A Psychotherapists Dating Advice for Women Over 40

A Psychotherapists Dating Advice for Women Over 40

When I was 45, sick of being single, and determined to meet my man, I turned to a therapist for help. At the time there were no dating coaches and very few psychotherapists who gave dating advice for women over 40.

Thankfully, being the nice Jewish gal that I am, I had no problem going straight to a shrink.

Lucky for all of us, now there is dating and relationship advice for women over 40 from all quarters. So, when I discovered Rachel Dack, who is both a licensed clinical professional counselor AND a dating and relationship coach, I just had to pick her brain.

Here is my interview with Rachel:

You are a licensed psychotherapist, as well as a leading woman’s dating expert. What a great combination! Please share with us what you observe as the main barriers preventing women over 40 from achieving love?

The main barriers preventing women over 40 from achieving love are personal insecurities, lack of self-love and low self-esteem.

Feeling unworthy or undeserving of love paired with a lack of dating success causes some women to believe these negative beliefs are true and won’t change, which interferes with their ability to be hopeful and open around men.

These mental blocks create an unhealthy mindset about themselves, men, dating, love or relationships and unfortunately hold them back from creating genuine connections.

These women may be going on dates and meeting numerous available men, but their negative mindsets and self-sabotaging beliefs are problematic when reinforced over and over again.

They may desperately want a man, but they are faced with a inner conflict because they view men as the enemy who can’t be trusted.

They may play the victim, blame themselves for their dating failures, feel intense anger toward men or lead with sex.

They may play games, have unrealistic expectations, sabotage developing relationships or struggle to believe a man could genuinely be interested and therefore, they keep men at a distance.

Another main barrier women over 40 face is unresolved baggage, emotional wounds or trauma from the past.

So often the past trickles into the present and impacts dating, so despite many women feeling open and ready for love, they approach dating with walls and activated defense mechanisms for protection or they pick the wrong men altogether.

They may have a cynical or jaded view of men or relationships because they’ve been burned before and want to ensure they are not hurt again. It can feel challenging for them to keep hope alive and trust men.

Dating without a healthy, hopeful mindset and lack of resolution about the past leaves many women less available to high quality men.

Actively dating, putting ourselves ‘out there can be exhausting! What self-care practices do you recommend that will boost our ‘dating self-esteem and keep us from wearing out and even giving up?

Healthy self-care practices is going to make dating feel more tolerable and fun, despite the potential ups and downs and help you cultivate more self-love.

First, if dating isn’t going well or doesn’t feel natural to you, resist the urge to give yourself a hard time or put yourself down.

Dating advice for women over 40: ‘First, if dating isn’t going well or doesn’t feel natural to you, resist the urge to give yourself a hard time or put yourself down.

There’s a lot you could do to make dating feel better and how you talk to yourself makes a big difference for your love life.

Understand that the healthier and happier you feel, the better dating will go, so do everything in your power to date as your best, most authentic and most confident self!

Here are some tips:

  • Use strategies, such as visualizing the date going well, reciting an empowering mantra and using mindfulness or meditation exercises pre-date, to calm dating nerves and jitters.
  • Participate in activities and hobbies that bring your joy or relaxation while ensuring your existence is more than constant dating.
  • Make dating a priority, but also invest time in developing yourself as a whole person and taking care of yourself.
  • Whether it’s a bubble bath, pedicure, brunch with girlfriends, jogging, yoga, travel, hike in nature or new hobby, self-care activities are there to rejuvenate you.
  • Set an intention to meet each date with an open mind and heart and commit to learning and growing through each dating experience so you can date more mindfully and intentionally.

These practices will also breed more confidence and balance. It is so important to nurture yourself and your other relationships regardless of how dating is going.

A holistic approach to dating, healthy self-care practices, personal growth and freedom from the past will help you feel more empowered and lead to more successful dating outcomes.

Men ‘disappearing or not calling us back after the first date or two (especially when they say they will) is so hard to deal with. What are your tips for dealing with dating rejection?

Rejection is unfortunately an inevitable part of dating, so be careful in assuming something is wrong with you or you are inadequate.

Regardless of how amazing you are, there will be some men who don’t want to date you and vice versa.

Getting rejected may actually have little to do with you and is often linked with his own emotional availability, maturity and timing. Long story short, rejection is unavoidable, no matter how much you have to offer.

Don’t take rejection directly or let your worth depend on what men/others think of you or your relationship status. This will be a dangerous way to live!

Understand that dating is vulnerable and there is a high potential for rejection, but it’s worth it to find your special person.

It’s natural to need some time to bounce back from a rejection or breakup and that’s okay, but don’t give up on your dating and relationship goals.

Allow yourself to feel the pain and grieve the loss while staying aligned with your goals and learning from dating mistakes and mishaps.

If you are noticing patterns that may be contributing to being rejected (for example, multiple men say you appear cold, distracted or uninterested), do the work to cultivate insight and closure, learn important lessons and stay optimistic.

Rachel Dack is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor (LCPC), Nationally Certified Counselor (NCC), and dating and relationship coach for men and women. She is a relationship expert for eHarmony and is the leading women’s dating expert for http://www.datingadvice.com/. Rachel offers psychotherapy and coaching services in person and by phone through her private practice, Rachel Dack Counseling LLC, located in Bethesda, Maryland. Rachel’s areas of expertise include dating, relationships, self-esteem, anxiety, and breakups.

Hi. This is Nancy here, writing for Bobbi who is bopping around Europe with her hubs. They will be celebrating their in a few days!

Since she’s on vacation, I’m taking this opportunity to brag on her behalf.

Bobbi was featured in a great article published about her, Date Like a Grownup, and her cutting-edge coaching program, Over-40 prefer School. This is big news in the industry.

If you’re curious about learning more about Bobbi and what’s up at Date Like a Grownup, read the article here.

Here’s a little snippet:

‘I had to let go of my fixation with creating and marketing all the products and mini-programs, she explained, ‘and start focusing on delivering what I know 99% of women truly need…and what I am absolutely ideal at delivering for my particular audience: real women over 40.

Bobbi’s Over-40 Love School strikes the right balance between affordability, personalization, and life-changing results.

This coaching program presents Bobbi’s signature 6-Step Find Hope and Find Him System, which she perfected through decades of private coaching, in an easily digestible group format.

Over-40 Love School is a six-month program packed with deep emotional insights. She prompts participants to work on themselves, get clarity on what they want, and, well, date like a grownup.

Isn’t that cool?

As Bobbi’s clients will tell you, when you finish working with her you are NOT the same person. Paradigms shift, limiting beliefs are challenged, hope is reignited, and self-love increases.

Bobbi’s coaching doesn’t just skim the surface. Working with her in this program is a deep dive, as the article goes on:

‘This work is hard, she said. ‘We go damn deep. It’s definitely not for sissies or women who are looking for a quick fix. And it’s only for women who are willing to take responsibility for their actions and outcomes.

Does that sound like you?

Give the article a read. It’s positively worth it.

And, I know once you take a glance at this article you’ll want to be a part of her groundbreaking coaching program, Love School 2019 (featured in the article). If you want to be on her ‘First to Know list go here.

Now I know – for the first time in my entire life — that there is a Good Man out there for me.

I am fortunate enough to be one of the 25 Women in this semester of DLAGU prefer School. I am 60 and my track record is pretty dismal. Divorced, too many really bad relationships to count, and not any hope of finding anyone.

If you are thinking about doing Bobbi’s Over-40 Love School I would give you only one piece of advice, Trust This Woman.

She is The Buddha, Yoda, All Knowing Sage when it comes to teaching over-40 women what to do to meet The One. Now I know – for the first time in my entire life — that there is a Good Man out there for me.

With the tools, independent work, and real-life advice Bobbi’s given us, I go out and feel completely at ease in my own skin. This is real stuff we are doing that ultimately gets us to a place I was not even aware of. And this place feels So Good.

I was sharing an experience with Bobbi & the class. It was about me emerging as my truest and most confident self. It was a beautiful little story, I was proud to share. Bobbi’s reply to me said it all ‘Welcome to your new Life! Thank you Bobbi for kindly leading me there.

I asked my Facebook community ‘What do you enjoy doing as a single woman that you would NEVER want to call it quits in a relationship?

I wondered because I know that before I was married at 47, I had the impression everything in my life would have to change drastically.

That worried me. I liked my life.

Seems the women topadultreview.com in my Facebook community feared the same. Here are some of their answers:

This is part of what keeps lot of us single, right?

We believe that we might lose the things we love about our perfectly fine single life. Girlfriend time, peace and quiet, buying things no questions asked, and, as one woman said, ‘The things that make me ME.

The reality is, of course, there is compromise in any relationship. When Larry and I joined our lives there were things that did change.

I don’t spend AS MUCH girlfriend time as once I did. (Yet I CAN any time I want.)

I disclose purchases above a certain dollar figure since we share bank accounts.

And I DON’T leave my dirty tea cups around the house anymore because it drives him wonky.

Big deal.

All those things are a no-brainer when I compare it to everything I gained when we married. The things I have to change or give up are compromises. There is a big difference between compromise and sacrifice.

If you are confused between the difference, this article will help.

It’s understandable that a lot of us mistake one for the other. If you’ve been in a relationship (or your parent’s role modeled one for you) where the man is always ‘in charge then no wonder you have these beliefs. Controlling, narcissistic, self-centered men will expect you to sacrifice many of your pleasures and self-care and interests so you can focus on THEM. And do what THEY want you to do.

On the other hand, it may not be about the man’s desires at all. As women we can call it quits control of our own lives all by ourselves.

That was another fear I had about being in a relationship: that I would lose my sense of self. That I would be so concerned about making him want me I would forget my needs and focus only on his.

Okay, here’s the truth of all of it: it is ALL in the picking sister.

As my wonderful client Suzanne explains in this video, it’s also about adult communication. (Btw, Suzanne is 63, and after 15 years of being single is now happily cohabitating with the amazing man she met after doing my Love School program.)

What do you think you’ll have to give up in a relationship? What sacrifices are you worried a man will expect from you? And where did you get those beliefs? From your past or your parents?